I had always been a chubby boy, yet I was also a fussy eater. At meal times I would never finish what Mum cooked. By the age of 13, I had become self-conscious about the way I looked, and compared myself with others. I became besotted with a girl in my class - I wanted to look good for her -and I began to exercise obsessively. Then I started restricting foods that I deemed unhealthy. Initially, I looked great; I lost the chubbiness and was fit. And on my 14th birthday, I even got a kiss from the girl I longed for.

    However, anorexia was already taking hold. I remember thinking that if this is what happens when I lose a little weight, imagine what will happen when I lose more. I cut out whole meals till I was getting through the day on nothing but an apple. I enjoyed the feeling of hunger and was so preoccupied that I ceased to care about the girl. This was no longer about being attractive.

    Anorexia wasn't as well documented as it is now, and it was associated only with teenage girls and models. However, months were passing and the weight was dropping fast. Dad was convinced I was on drugs and Mum would break down in tears, pleading with me to eat more. I became expert at deceiving her: potatoes in the plant pots, chocolate hidden down the back of the sofa, slices of toast in my desk drawer.

    She'd weigh me daily and I'd make sure I stuffed my pockets to add a few extra pounds - I'd go back later to check my real weight. Because I was living a lie, I became a loner. I lost touch with my friends and at weekends I would wander the high street. I'd go into bookshops and engross myself in diet books - and cookbooks. All I could think about was food and reading recipes made up for my lack of eating.

    The truth is I knew I was grotesquely thin, yet I would stand in front of the mirror and see a fat person staring back. I was trapped inside my own body - I wanted to get help, but my brain wouldn't let me. This physical and psychological battle is why anorexia is so deadly. I contemplated suicide numerous times. I once went into Boots and asked about sleeping tablets, and I nearly threw myself out of the car during a particularly impassioned row with Mum.

    At 15, I weighed just over five stone. I had no toenails - they had dropped off from decay. My skin had turned yellow and my teeth had decayed from the acid in the fruit I was living on. One of the turning points for me was when Mum came into my room one morning to wake me up and said the room smelled of rot. I was literally wasting away in my bed. Even as an anorexic I knew this was bad, and I had to do something.

    I was determined not to go into hospital for treatment. I never wanted to admit the extent of my illness, so I learned to get better by myself. I started to retrain my brain, telling myself that it was OK to eat, that putting on weight wouldn't make me fat. I slowly started to add extra food to my diet and it was incredible how quickly I regained weight, especially on my face. My body just clung on to anything I put inside me. It was a painful physical recovery. I hit 10 stone at the age of 21 and finally felt at ease with myself.

    I often find it funny that I chose to become an actor, a profession in which your appearance is constantly being judged. It's hard not to compare yourself with other actors, and there's always pressure to change who you are to fit a certain mould. However, in a strange way, it has helped me. At my worst I used acting as a way to escape. I could be anybody on stage, and for that short time I wasn't anorexic.

    I am 24 now, and still recovering. I recently suffered a relapse, triggered by losing weight while performing a very physically demanding play. This is the legacy of anorexia - it leaves an imprint on your brain. It's there when I decide what to have for dinner, and it's there when I decide to go for a run. Everything I do involves my eating disorder. However, I'm older and wiser, and can take action when I know things are going too far. I know where I've been, and I don't want to go back there. I have so many ambitions, and won't let the past stop me fulfilling them.

    我以前一直是個(gè)胖乎乎的孩子，但我吃東西卻非常挑剔。吃飯時(shí)，媽媽做的飯菜總是被我剩下。到了13歲，我開始留意自己的外表，并且把自己和其他人進(jìn)行比較。我迷戀上了班里的一個(gè)女孩--我希望在她面前有個(gè)好形象，于是開始強(qiáng)迫性地鍛煉。然后我開始限制飲食，不吃那些我認(rèn)為不健康的食物。起初我看起來很棒--我不那么胖了，身材很好。14歲生日那天，我甚至得到了心儀女孩的親吻。

    然而，那時(shí)我已經(jīng)得上了厭食癥。記得我當(dāng)時(shí)的想法是：如果我瘦了一點(diǎn)兒就得到這個(gè)回報(bào)，那么再瘦下去的話又會(huì)發(fā)生什么呢？我開始不吃飯，直到一整天只吃一個(gè)蘋果。我很享受饑餓感，我全神貫注于這種感覺，以致不再關(guān)心那個(gè)女孩。這時(shí)我的節(jié)食已經(jīng)和讓自己更有吸引力無關(guān)了。

    那時(shí)關(guān)于厭食癥的資料還不像現(xiàn)在這么多，而且它只與青春期女孩和模特相聯(lián)系。然而，日子一天天過去，我的體重迅速下降。爸爸認(rèn)為我一定在吸毒，媽媽流著淚懇求我多吃點(diǎn)。我變得精于欺騙她：把土豆放在花盆里，巧克力藏在沙發(fā)后面，烤面包片塞進(jìn)書桌抽屜里。

    她每天都給我稱體重，我必須確保在口袋里塞滿東西，以增加幾磅重量--過一會(huì)兒我會(huì)回去稱我的真實(shí)體重。由于我在謊言中生活，我成了一個(gè)孤獨(dú)的人。我和朋友們失去了聯(lián)系，周末在繁華的大街上獨(dú)自游蕩。我走進(jìn)書店，聚精會(huì)神地讀關(guān)于飲食的書--以及食譜。我所有的念頭就是食物，而讀食譜彌補(bǔ)了我食物攝入的不足。

    事實(shí)是我知道自己已經(jīng)瘦得不正常，但每次站在鏡子前，我仍然看見一個(gè)胖子在盯著我。我被困在自己的身體里--我想求助，但我的大腦不允許。厭食癥的致命之處就是這種生理和心理的搏斗。我無數(shù)次想到自殺。有一次我走進(jìn)Boots商店，問他們有沒有安眠藥。還有一次，我和媽媽發(fā)生了特別激烈的爭吵，當(dāng)時(shí)我差點(diǎn)從車?yán)锾�出去�?/p>

    15歲時(shí)，我的體重剛剛超過5英石（譯注：即70磅，約等于31.75公斤）.我沒有腳趾甲--它們由于衰退而脫落了。我的皮膚變黃了。由于長期以水果為食，我的牙齒被酸所腐蝕。我的一個(gè)轉(zhuǎn)折點(diǎn)發(fā)生在一天早上，媽媽走進(jìn)我的房間把我叫醒，說房間里有腐爛的氣味。我當(dāng)時(shí)簡直就是日益衰弱地躺在床上。即使作為厭食癥患者，我也知道這樣很糟糕，我必須做些什么了。

    我決定不去醫(yī)院治療。我從來不愿承認(rèn)自己病情的嚴(yán)重性，所以我學(xué)著自己好轉(zhuǎn)起來。我開始重新訓(xùn)練自己的大腦，告訴自己吃東西沒什么不好，增加體重并不會(huì)使我變成胖子。我慢慢開始增加食量，以令人難以置信的速度恢復(fù)了體重，尤其是我的面部。不管吃什么，我的身體都會(huì)迅速吸收。這是一個(gè)痛苦的生理恢復(fù)過程。21歲時(shí)，我的體重達(dá)到了10英石，我終于能夠從容地面對(duì)自己了。

    我常常覺得很好笑：我選擇了做演員，這種職業(yè)決定了不斷有人對(duì)你的外表評(píng)頭品足。你很難不把自己和其他演員作比較，而且經(jīng)常感到壓力，要求你改變?cè)瓉淼臉幼樱�把自己套進(jìn)某個(gè)模子里。然而這卻以一種奇怪的方式幫助了我。在我感覺最糟糕的時(shí)候，我靠表演來逃避。在舞臺(tái)上，我可以成為任何人；在這段短暫的時(shí)間里，我不是厭食癥患者。

    現(xiàn)在我24歲，還在恢復(fù)的過程中。最近我有一次復(fù)發(fā)，起因是我要為了演一出對(duì)身體要求很高的戲而減肥。這是厭食癥的后遺癥--它在你的大腦上留下印記。當(dāng)我決定晚餐吃什么或者決定去跑步時(shí)，它就發(fā)揮了作用。我所做的一切都和我的進(jìn)食障礙有關(guān)。但我現(xiàn)在年齡更大，更聰明了，當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)事情過了頭時(shí)，我就會(huì)采取行動(dòng)。我知道自己曾經(jīng)是什么樣，我不想再退回那一步。我有很多理想，不會(huì)讓過去的經(jīng)歷阻止我實(shí)現(xiàn)理想的腳步。