Handwriting:

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Cats:

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Children:

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."

Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

Menopause:

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Phone:

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Conversation:

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Leg Warmers:

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Friends:

Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

Restrooms:

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

筆跡

男人：值得表揚的是，他們從不裝飾他們的書法。他們只是隨便亂寫，大概只有他們自己看得懂。

女人：女人用那些有香味的、彩色的便簽，她們會用一個小圈或者小桃心代替“i”上面的一點。女人在寫“b”和“g”的時候，那個圈畫的大得離譜�？磁�人寫的字條很痛苦。即便是分手信，她也會在最后畫上個笑臉。

采購

女人：女人會根據(jù)需要列出購物單，去超市里買這些東西。

男人：男人會等到冰箱里只剩下半個檸檬和一罐啤酒。然后去超市買東西。他會把那些看著不錯的東西都買下來。男人要付錢的時候，他的購物車里已經(jīng)堆了成山的東西。當然，這個不會妨礙他排到快速付款的柜臺前。

關(guān)系

女人：當一段關(guān)系結(jié)束的時候，女人會哭天搶地，對著女朋友傾吐心聲，她還會寫首名叫“所有男人都是白癡”的打油詩。之后就會繼續(xù)過她的小日子。

男 人：放手對男人來說，更困難一點。在分手6個月之后，他會在周六的凌晨三點打電話：“我只是想讓你知道，你毀了我的生活，我永遠不會原諒你，我恨你，你就 是個賤人！不過我想你知道，我們之間一直還有機會。”這種叫做“我恨你/我愛你”的酒后電話，99%的男人至少打過一次。有些地方甚至?xí)�專門教男人克服這 種需求。

性

女人：她們喜歡30-40分鐘的前戲。

男人：30-40秒的前戲更好。男人覺得開車去她家就已經(jīng)算前戲了。

成熟

女人：她們比男人成熟得早很多。大部分17歲的姑娘已經(jīng)和成年女性差不多了。

男人：大部分17歲的小伙子還熱衷于交換棒球卡、在體育課之后打打鬧鬧。這也就是為什么高中時期的戀情很少有結(jié)果。

雜志

男人：男性雜志的噱頭是女人的裸體照片。男人一看到女人的裸體，就開始興奮了。

女人：女性雜志的噱頭也是女人的裸照。這是因為女性的身體是精美的藝術(shù)品，而男人的身體又粗笨又多毛，不該在光天化日之下看到。大部分的裸體男人只能讓女人發(fā)笑。

浴室

男人：男人的浴室里有6樣?xùn)|西：一把牙刷、刮胡膏、刮胡刀、一塊Dial牌肥皂、一塊從假日酒店里順手牽羊的毛巾。
女人：在一個典型女人的浴室，平均會有437樣物品。男人認不出其中的絕大多數(shù)。

鞋子

女人：在準備上班的時候，女人會穿上羊毛套裝，登上一雙銳步運動鞋。她會把高跟鞋放在一個薩克斯的塑料袋子里。當女人到了公司，她會穿上高跟鞋。五分鐘之后，她就會踢掉它們，因為她的腳已經(jīng)躲在桌子下面了。

男人：男人整天都會穿著同一雙鞋。我們就別去管他們多少天都穿著同一雙襪子了。

貓

女人：女人喜歡貓。

男人：男人嘴上說，他們喜歡貓，但實際上，當女人看不見的時候，他們會把貓一腳踢開。

孩子

女人：女人了解她孩子的一切。她知道孩子和牙醫(yī)的預(yù)約、足球比賽、戀愛情況、最好的朋友、最喜歡的事物、藏在心理的恐懼、希望和夢想。

男人：男人模模糊糊地知道有些小矮人生活在同一屋檐下。

穿戴整齊

女人：女人會為這些事情穿戴整齊：上街、澆花、清理垃圾、接電話、看書、取郵件。

男人：男人會為這些事情穿戴整齊：婚禮、葬禮。

洗衣服

女人：女人每兩天洗一次衣服

男人：男人洗衣服之前，會把自己所有的衣服穿一遍，包括寬腿褲（八百年前流行過的那種）。當他最終沒衣服穿的時候，他會把臟衣服翻過來穿、租一輛手 推車，把堆成山的臟衣服運到洗衣店。男人總是期望能在洗衣店邂逅美麗女人。這個迷信會再一次次重溫過“美國式愛情”之后重新被點燃。

外出吃飯

男人：結(jié)賬的時候，每個男人都會掏出一張20塊的鈔票，雖然一共只有22塊5。沒有人有更小面額的鈔票，也沒人會真去承認他們想要找回的零錢。

女人：當姑娘們拿到賬單的時候，他們從口袋里掏出的是計算器。

鏡子

男人：男人都愛慕虛榮，他們會照鏡子打理自己。

女人：她們不可理喻，她們會用任何閃光的表面檢查自己的樣子：鏡子、勺子、商店櫥窗、光頭佬的后腦勺。

更年期

女人：當一個女人進入更年期，她會經(jīng)歷一系列復(fù)雜的情緒、心理和生理變化。這些變化的性質(zhì)和程度因人而異。

男人：男人的更年期會引發(fā)一致的反應(yīng)：買飛行眼睛、時髦的法國帽子、皮手套、還會買輛保時捷跑車。

電話

男人：對男人來說，電話是溝通的工具。他們用電話給別人發(fā)短信。

女人：女人可以在在朋友家住了兩周之后，一回到家就給同一個朋友打電話，一打就是仨小時。

李察吉爾

女人：女人喜歡李察吉爾，因為他散發(fā)著危險的性感。

男人：男人討厭李察吉爾，因為他提醒他們，那些在健身俱樂部里工作的小白臉只和已婚女人約會。

麥當娜

和上面一樣，只不過反過來。原因也一樣。

玩具

女人：小姑娘喜歡玩玩具。她們11、2歲的時候，就會對玩具喪失興趣。

男人：男人永遠都不會停止對玩具的癡迷。他們長大之后，他們的玩具只會更貴、更白癡、更不實用。男人的玩具有這些：小型迷你電視、汽車電話、多功能榨汁機和攪拌器、圖像均衡器、能按指令調(diào)雞尾酒的小機器人、電視游戲、任何可以閃、叫、需要至少6節(jié)一號電池的東西。

照相機

男人：男人對照相很認真。他們會花4000美元買一套專業(yè)設(shè)備、建一個暗房、還會去上攝影課。

女人：女人們買柯達的傻瓜相機。當然，女人最后總是會照得更好。

更衣間

男人：男人在更衣間里談?wù)撊�件事情：錢、足球、女人。他們會夸大金錢，他們對于足球的無知程度幾乎和他們自以為的了解程度一樣，他們還會編造關(guān)于女人的段子。

女人：女人在更衣間里只談?wù)撘患�事情：性。還不是在抽象的層面。她們會極其細致地描述畫面和技術(shù)，而且她們從來不說謊。

電影

女人：電影史上所有的女演員一定都演過裸戲。這是因為電影史上所有的電影都是男人導(dǎo)演的。

男人：電影上唯一一個曾演過裸戲的男演員是李察吉爾。這是另一個他們恨他的原因。

珠寶

女人：女人戴珠寶看起來很棒。

男人：男人最多戴一個戒指。如果他們戴著比這個好多，那么他看起來就會跟叫維克的酒吧歌手一樣（叫這種名字的大多比較娘，或者是cross-dresser)。

對話

男人：男人開始說話都需要以一個強有力的反對意見開頭。比方說，“嘿，電影真不錯。”（女人）“你是笨蛋么？沒有任何一個真警察會用那種大小的沖鋒槍。”（男人）

女人：女人沒有這個問題，她們試著跟男人開始對話的時候都要說些附和的話：“路邊的那個花園看起來很可愛。”“嗯”停頓。“昨晚的餐館真不錯，對吧。”“對。”停頓。諸如此類。

護腿

女人：護腿很性感。即使是遛狗或者刷盤子，女人也可以穿護腿。她想什么時候都能穿。

男人：男人只能在去面試一個娘娘腔的時候才能穿護腿。

朋友

女人：女人在“閨蜜之夜”整晚都在說。

男人：男人們一起的夜晚，他們只說20個詞，大多數(shù)都是“把薯片遞過來”或者“還有啤酒么？”

衛(wèi)生間

女人：女人把衛(wèi)生間當做一個社交場合。素不相識的兩個女人在離開衛(wèi)生間的時候能像老朋友一樣說笑。女人們?nèi)バl(wèi)生間還總是成群結(jié)隊，每次至少兩個女人一起去衛(wèi)生間。

男人：男人去衛(wèi)生間純粹處于生理需要。男人在衛(wèi)生間里從來不跟別人說話。也從來沒有一個男人會在飯桌上這么說：“嗨，湯姆，我要去尿尿，你要不要跟我一起去？”