Is your life ruled by love or by fear? Love and fear are opposite emotional attitudes that shape our life in very different ways. The psychoanalyst John McMurray describes the difference like this:
"The fear-determined have no sun in themselves and go about putting out the sun in other people. The love-determined have life in them, abundant life. They are the people who are really alive, of whom it can be said that they possess eternal life as a well within them perpetually."

Life is a lot more beautiful and vivid if it is determined by love and not by fear. I’m sure you can imagine that someone determined completely by love would be a kind of saint. In contrast, most of us ordinary human beings are determined by both forces, love and fear. However, in my experience, even a tiny shift towards love—and away from fear—can bring a lot more Happiness.

Here are 7 tips that you can move towards love and away from fear.

1. Cultivate gratitude

Gratitude makes us feel happier. If you remember to be grateful for the blessings of your life, you start to feel more connected to yourself and others. When you let go of niggles and embrace gratitude instead, love springs up.

2. Reality-test your fear

Sometimes fear can be like a cloud that keeps out the sunlight. Then everything feels huge and oppressive. A simple way to deal with fear is to test its reality. Write down three things that you are afraid of. Then look at each point and ask yourself, “Is this fear really grounded in reality?” I know that when I do this, I often find that my fears are unfounded. It’s like living in a shadow-land, peering into the future and expecting bad things to happen.

3. Take action

Fear is often born out of inaction. For example, if you get a sense that your health is impaired, but you don't check it out with a doctor, you may start to imagine that you are heading for a major health crisis. (I could fill a whole notebook with illnesses I once thought I had - but never actually got!) Once you've been to a doctor and reviewed the problems, the steps towards renewed health may seem much more manageable.

Taking action is the best antidote to fear. Once you start to address the issues one by one, fears shrink and may even disappear.

4. Cultivate friendships

Good friends are important because they teach us to love. It's often much easier to love a good friend than it is to love and forgive our partner. Friends are lasting companions in life. It’s good to talk with them when we feel afraid. They can give us a fresh perspective on what is troubling us.

5. Be generous

In the quote above, John McMurray points out that fear-determined people have no sun in themselves and "go about putting out the sun in other people." Fear makes us narrow-minded and we tend to put down others. Here is how I deal with that: when I notice I'm getting negative, I put a small pebble into one of my pockets. Each time I catch myself using a put-down, I quietly shift the pebble into the other pocket and say to myself kindly, "Well, maybe I can say that differently next time."

6. Practise kindness

Kindness is 'love-in-action'. It’s good to make a habit of it. The trick is to notice what people need. Here is an example: yesterday I was talking to a stall-holder at a farmers' market who fashions wooden spoons. He saw that I was carrying a bag of luscious, fresh corncobs. He said, "Oh, they look nice!" Then he sighed, "Oh well, by the time I've finished selling at my stand they’ll have all gone." I offered to get some for him. It was a small action but it made us both feel good. Try and spot one occasion each day when you can be of help.

7. Open your awareness

Fear tends to make us focus inwards. A way out of is to do the opposite and open your awareness to include everything around you. For example, if you notice anxious thoughts, open you mind and listen to sounds around you. Maybe you can hear birdsong, or traffic noise, or children playing. This has an instant calming effect and fear wanes.

If you follow these 7 tips, you'll move towards more love and less fear in your life. Soon you will notice an upsurge of Happiness and contentment, instead of fear and anxiety.

What is your experience of living with love or with fear? Maybe you could share your special way of inviting love into your life and saying "good-bye" to fear?

你的生活是被愛控制還是被恐懼控制？愛和恐懼是相反的情感態(tài)度，用不同的方式形成我們的生活。心理分析學者約翰.麥可姆雷這樣形容它們的區(qū)別：“恐懼支配者自己的生活中沒有陽光，同時也把別人生活中的陽光清除掉。愛支配者擁有生命力，有豐富多彩的生活。他們才是真正活著的人，他們才可以說是擁有永恒的生命，擁有永恒的源泉。

當生活被愛而非恐懼所支配的時候，它會更加美麗生動。我可以確信當你想象一個完全被愛所支配的人會是一個圣徒。相反的，我們大多數(shù)普通人都是被愛和恐懼這兩種力量所支配。但是，以我的經(jīng)驗來看，即使是趨向愛的一小步——同時遠離恐懼——都可以帶來許多快樂。

這里有七個技巧幫助你趨向愛而遠離恐懼。

1,培養(yǎng)感恩之心

感恩之心讓我們感到更快樂。如果你記得生活對你的祝福同時感激萬分，你會開始覺得你與自己和他人的聯(lián)系更加緊密。當你丟棄了小氣轉而擁抱感激的時候，愛會涌泉而出。

2，測試恐懼的真實性

有時候恐懼像烏云一樣阻止了陽光，然后每樣東西都感覺變得巨大和難以忍受。一個簡單的檢驗恐懼的方法是測試它的真實性。寫下三件你所害怕的事情。然后，看著每一件事問你自己，“這種恐懼現(xiàn)實中真的存在嗎？”我知道每次我這樣做的時候，我經(jīng)常發(fā)現(xiàn)我的恐懼是毫無理由的，就好像我們生活在陰影籠罩的地方，對未來產生懷疑，同時認為不好事情會發(fā)生。

3，采取行動

恐懼通常產生于不作為。舉個例子，如果你覺得你身體的健康狀況下降了，但是你又不去醫(yī)生那里檢查是否如此，你可能開始想象你正面臨著一場健康大危機。（我可以把曾經(jīng)想到過的疾病寫滿一整張紙，但實際上它們根本沒有發(fā)生過。）一旦你去見過了醫(yī)生，重新審視了那些的問題，重塑健康的步驟看起來會更容易管理。

采取行動是控制恐懼的最好方法。一旦你一個一個解決問題，恐懼會越來越少甚至都消失了。

4，培養(yǎng)友誼

好朋友是很重要的，因為他們教會我們怎樣去愛。相比起愛和原諒我們的搭檔，愛一個好朋友會更容易些。朋友是我們生活持久的伙伴。當我們害怕時和朋友交談是很好的，他們會給我們一個嶄新的視點來看待正在困擾我們的問題。

5，寬宏大量

在前述引用中，約翰.麥克雷姆指出被恐懼支配者的生活中沒有陽光同時“把別人生活中的陽光也清除掉”�？謶质刮覀冃男鬲M隘，我們經(jīng)常會去羞辱其他人。我是這樣處理這個問題的：當我注意到我變得消極的時候，我會在我的一個口袋里放一顆鵝卵石。每次我抓到自己對別人奚落的行為時，我會把這顆鵝卵石放到另一個口袋里，溫和的對自己說，“下次，我也許可以用不同的方式來說這件事。”

6，練習友善

友善是行為中的愛。形成友善的習慣很好。它的技巧就是注意別人的需要。舉個例子：昨天我在農貿市場和制作和出售木勺的攤主聊天。他看到我拎了一袋新鮮又甘美的玉米棒子，說：“這些真好！”接著嘆氣道：“唉，等我收攤的時候它們都已經(jīng)賣完了。”我就拿了一些給他。這只是一件小事，但是讓我們兩個人都很開心。每天，在我們可以提供幫助的一個場所嘗試著提供幫助。

7，打開心懷

恐懼讓我們只關注內心。走出恐懼的一個方法是做相反的事情，打開你的心懷，關注圍繞的你的一切事情。比如，你注意到焦慮的想法，打開你的心門，聽聽周圍的聲音。也許你會聽到鳥鳴聲，交通嘈雜聲，以及小孩玩耍的聲音。這些有立即讓你鎮(zhèn)定的作用，恐懼也就慢慢消退了。

當你采取了上述七點，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)你的生活愛越來越多，恐懼越拉越少。不久，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)你到了一個幸福和滿足的高潮，取代了恐懼和焦慮。

和愛或者恐懼生活在一起，你的經(jīng)歷又是怎樣的呢？也許你可以讓我們分享你獨特的邀請愛進入你的生活而和恐懼說再見的方法？