In my last post on The Change Blog, I talked about disconnecting your happiness from others – how when you depend on others for your happiness you only make yourself （and others） more unhappy. Instead, I said, you need to find happiness within.

    Easier said than done though, I know. To find happiness within, you can go to coaches, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists, or any other number of happiness professionals. You can read books, blogs, or magazines, watch TV shows and DVDs or listen to the radio, podcasts or self-improvement CDs.

    And yet when it comes down to it, there are only two things you need to remember if you want to be happy.

    1. It's not about you, so check the ego at the door.

    2. Whatever you do, do it because you choose to.

    It's not about you

    This is easy-sounding advice but probably one of the hardest things to actually implement. Human beings seem to be biologically programmed to think everything has something to do with them.

    An earthquake hits their house? A direct attack on their happiness.

    A friend says something thoughtless and hurtful? An unfair and gratuitous attack and not because the friend has a splitting headache and has been dealing with a malfunctioning computer all day long.

    A loved one does something that's reminiscent of something that caused pain in the past? How dare the loved one bring up such hurtful memories!

    When we make things all about us and don't check our ego at the door, we shut out the world and yet at the same time expect everyone to consider our feelings, our needs and our emotional baggage before their own. We let pride cause us to react negatively and we let the past overly influence our responses to present situations.

    Let's look at a （fictional） example:

    Let's say I've let my partner use my laptop. I don't like to run the computer on AC power with the battery plugged in just in case the battery has a "memory" - I want to maintain the life of the battery as long as I can. I've explained this to my partner and yet one day I come into the room and see that he's running the computer off AC power and has the battery plugged in as well.

    I get angry and express my anger. My partner reacts by saying "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant once the battery was fully charged. I was planning on unplugging it once it reached a 100% charge."

    Instead of accepting this explanation, I let pride and ego get in the way and stay angry for several hours, with thoughts like "how stupid could he be?" and "but I explained it to him!" running through my head. In fact, he reminds me of an ex who never listened either and always did the opposite of what I ask.

    Plus my partner is now upset because he's sorry that he misunderstood and angry because I've refused to accept his explanation.

    Our day is now totally ruined.

    If you find yourself in situations like this, before ruining your day （and that of others） ask yourself the following questions:

    * Is this a purposeful attack on me or a misunderstanding?

    * Why am I really upset?

    * Can I change what's going on?

    In the above example, if I had made an effort to hear my partner I would have quickly realized that although his misunderstanding was frustrating, it wasn't a personal attack or wanton negligence. As well with a little self-reflection, I would have realized that my anger actually has little to do with the current situation and more to do with my own feelings of people not listening to or following my wishes. Again, since the current situation was a misunderstanding, it has nothing to do with the past.

    Finally, can I change the situation? In this case yes. If I don't think my partner will use the computer in the way I wish it to be used, I can ask that he not use it in the future.

    By disconnecting myself and my feelings of hurt and frustration from the situation, I can deal with the issue quickly, find a resolution and go back to being happy.

    As long as I remember that except for very rare situations with highly negative people, potentially upsetting situations are most of the time only misunderstandings and not personal attacks, then I don't have to let them ruin my day.

    Even in the rare situations where someone is purposefully trying to hurt you, if you remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person's own emotional baggage then whatever he or she tosses our way has no lasting effect on our happiness.

    Choose what you do

    So that takes care of the actions of others. We now won't let what other people do affect our own happiness. But what about our own actions? Many people pass through life doing things they hate and tell themselves they have to do them or that they have no choice.

    And for some, unfortunately that is the case. People who do not have their basic needs met on a regular basis （i.e., food, shelter and basic security – the first two levels of Maslow's human hierarchy of needs pyramid） often have to make difficult choices between various shades of unhappiness.

    For many people however, everything they do is a choice and if they are unhappy about their choices, often one of three things is getting in the way:

    1. Obligation

    2. Autopilot

    3. Expectations

    People who live with a sense of obligation are always saying "I should do this" rather than "I want to" or "I choose to." They feel that the world judge their actions and that they need to conform to some outside view of what is proper and right. They bury their dreams and desires and live to someone else's code of behavior （often completely imagined）.

    Others live in the future instead of the present. They have certain goals that they expect to reach （often highly colored by what others supposedly want them to do） and pay no attention to how they feel in the moment. Yes, sometimes to reach a goal we end up doing things that don't totally thrill us, but if we're reaching for a goal whose path is loathsome, then why head in that direction?

    Then there's a third group of people who live on autopilot letting situations decide their actions or blindly follow what other people tell them to do without questioning whether it's right for them. People who live this way are often unhappy but don't know why they're unhappy, which makes sense because if they're sleepwalking through life they're not going to be paying my attention to their emotions either.

    Fortunately this type of unhappiness is relatively easy to cure. It starts by living consciously and being aware of our actions. If necessary we can log our days and our decisions, noting how we feel about each action. By doing so we force ourselves to be aware of every action and every choice we make. We also become aware of the scripts that run through our head as we do things.

    For example, I always used to find myself really cranky after hanging up the laundry to dry. For no clear reason, every time I hung the laundry I had formed the habit of letting all the little annoying things about my day, my partner and my business run through my head as I hung the clothes on the line. Understandably I therefore hated hanging the laundry. By paying attention to what I was doing and thinking I changed the habit and now make an effort to think about positive things and I no longer hate hanging the laundry.

    The first two types of unhappiness – obligation and expectations – are a little more complicated and require more in depth examination of our motives and desires.

    In Spanish there are two ways of asking "why" – one which looks back at reasons （por qué） and one that looks forward at intention （para qué）.

    When we ask ourselves por qué， we look back at the things that have brought us to the action. For example, before starting my own business, I tried to fit into the nine-to-five office world even though it made me miserable. By asking myself por qué I learned that I was doing so because I thought that's what a responsible adult did – work and earn money to buy things even if you're not happy.

    Then when I asked myself para qué – what for? what desire was I chasing? – I had no answer. That was when I decided to get out and follow my dreams.

    And even though the life of an entrepreneur is hard at times, I'm much （much!） happier.

    Now, because I live my life consciously, aware of my actions, and because I ask myself why and what for （reasons and desires）, I make decisions and choices on a daily basis that add to my happiness – which comes 100% from within me and doesn't depend on anyone else.

    Happiness Tricks

    To finish off, let's talk a bit about resources.

    Everyone has their favorite short cuts to happiness, whether it's dancing in the living room, getting together with friends, or curling up with a book. If you want some proven ways to make yourself happier, there are a huge number of books and websites available.

    I've included here my Top Four resources （in no particular order）.:

    1. The Comfort Trap by Judith Sills

    2. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert

    3. 59 Seconds by Richard Wiseman

    4. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin （book in pre-order but the blog offers a lot of great tips）

    我在改變博客中的上一篇帖子提到讓你的快樂遠離他人，如果你的快樂取決于他人，那么你只會讓自己和他人更加的不快樂。要我說，你更應(yīng)該從自身尋找快樂。

    當然我知道說者易，做者難。為了從內(nèi)心尋找快樂，你可向私人教練，心理學(xué)家，精神醫(yī)師，輔導(dǎo)員，治療師或者其他的各種各類的快樂專家求助；也可以通過閱讀書籍，博客或者雜志，觀看電視節(jié)目或者光碟，再或者聽收音機，播客或者自我進修的光盤來找尋內(nèi)在的快樂。

    歸根結(jié)底，如果你想變得快樂，你只需要記住兩件事：

    1.這與你無關(guān)，所以在事情臨近時保持自我！

    2.選擇你所要做的，無論何事。

    與你無關(guān)

    這個建議聽起來很容易，但是實際上是最難實現(xiàn)的一個。人類作為一個生物體總會認為萬事與自己相關(guān)。

    地震襲擊了他們房屋？對他們快樂的直接攻擊。

    朋友說了些輕率而且傷害到你的話？不公平而且毫無緣由的攻擊，并不是因為朋友有偏頭痛或者用了一整天有故障的電腦。

    戀人做了些什么讓你回想起過去曾因此而受過的傷害？戀人怎么敢提起如此傷人的記憶呢！

    當我們把所有的事情都與自己相關(guān)聯(lián)，而不是在開始之前審視自我，我們將會與世隔絕并且總是希望他人在他們自己之前優(yōu)先考慮到我們的感受，我們的需求，我們的心理包袱。我們因自負產(chǎn)生消極的反應(yīng)，我們因過去而過分影響對現(xiàn)狀的反應(yīng)。

    讓我們來看一個（虛構(gòu)的）案例：

    假如我將我的筆記本電腦借給搭檔使用。我不喜歡電池沒有卸下就直接用交流電運行電腦，只是避免電池有"記憶性"---我想盡量將電池的壽命維護的長一些。盡管我已經(jīng)將這個與搭檔說明了，但是有一天我走進房間，看見電腦在運行著，交流電源插頭已經(jīng)掉了，但是電池還在上面。（說明剛才是插著電池用的交流電源）

    我非常的生氣并且發(fā)起火來。我的搭檔回答道："噢，對不起，我以為你說避免電池滿電的時候充電呢，我剛才還想著電池一充滿我就拔下電源的。"

    我沒有接受他的解釋，取而代之的是想到自我和自尊，并且氣了好幾個小時，不停地想著"他怎么這么蠢呢？""而且我還跟他說明白了！"事實上，他讓我想起了我的上一個搭檔，從來不聽我的，而且總是與我要求的對著干。

    另外，我的搭檔現(xiàn)在十分的沮喪，為自己的誤解而難過，為我拒絕他的解釋而生氣。

    我們的一天就這樣毀掉了。

    如果你發(fā)現(xiàn)你自己處于這樣的狀況，在你毀掉自己和他人的一天前，問一問自己下面的問題：

    * 這是一個有意針對你的傷害還是僅僅是一個誤會？

    * 為什么我真的很難過？

    * 我能不能改變一下將要發(fā)生的事呢？

    在上面的案例中，如果我能努力聽取搭檔的解釋，我或許會很快就意識到盡管他的誤解讓人很沮喪，但是可以確定那不是人身攻擊或者有意過失。如果自己反省一下，我或許就會意識到我的憤怒與現(xiàn)狀毫無關(guān)聯(lián)，僅僅是因他人不聽從我或者他人不能隨我愿的緣故。再次強調(diào)，現(xiàn)狀僅僅是一個誤會，與過去無關(guān)。

    歸根結(jié)底，我能不能改變現(xiàn)狀呢？在這個案例里答案是肯定的。如果我知道搭檔不會按照我的要求去用我的電腦，我可以拒絕以后借給他使用。

    通過將自我和因現(xiàn)狀而受到的傷害和挫敗感進行拆析，我可以快速應(yīng)對這個問題，并且找到解決之法，重新變回快樂，

    只要我記得的高攻擊性的人是不多見的，大部分時間里，讓人感到不舒服的情況只是一個誤會而不是人身攻擊，因此我也不會讓誤會來毀掉我的一天。

    然而即使在少見的情況里，有人故意傷害你，如果你記得這并不是你的錯，這一切是只是他人的感情包袱問題，這樣他或她對我們生活的擾亂就不會對我們的快樂產(chǎn)生持久的影響。

    選定你要做的

    因此要顧及到他人的反應(yīng)�，F(xiàn)在開始，我們將不允許他人來影響我們自己的快樂。但是我們自己反應(yīng)是否要顧及呢？許多人一生都在做自己不喜歡的事，并且告訴自己必須這樣做或者自己毫無選擇。

    然而不幸的是事實往往如此。不能夠如期地滿足生活基本需求（如：食物，避難所和基本安全保障--馬斯洛的人類需求等級金字塔的最底的兩層）的人們不得不經(jīng)常在各種煩惱中做出艱難的選擇。

    對于很多人而言，他們所做的一切都是自己的選擇，但是如果他們對自己的選擇不滿意，往往是下面三種情況之一妨礙了他們：

    1.責任感

    2.放任自由

    3.預(yù)期值

    責任感很強的人們經(jīng)常說："我應(yīng)該這樣做！"而不是"我要···""我選擇······".他們感覺世人會評價他們的行為，他們必需遵守他人對規(guī)矩和正確的觀點。他們抑制自己的夢想和欲望，遵從他人的行為規(guī)章（往往都是猜測）.

    一些人不是活在當下，而是活在將來。他們有堅定的目標并且期望能達到（這些事往往因他人可能要他們所做的事情而被高度渲染）,從不關(guān)心他們當下的感受。當然，我們有時可以達到目標，因為做一些不會讓我們緊張的事情，但是如果我們要達到目標的方式令人很討厭，那么為什么我還朝那個方向前進呢？

    第三類人放任自由，依靠態(tài)勢來決定自己的行為或者盲目地順從人們的建議，根本不會懷疑這對他們自己是不是適合的。這類人總是不開心，卻又不知道自己為什么不開心。如果他們自己都夢里人生，我也不會顧及他們的感受的，這樣就可以想得通他們?yōu)槭裁床桓吲d了。

    幸運的是這種類型的不快樂相對容易康復(fù)，只要開始有意識地生活并且覺察我們的行為。如果需要，我們可以記錄下我們的決定和每天生活，記下我們對每個行為的感受。如此一來我們可以強迫自己覺察每個行為和我們做出的選擇。我們也會對忙碌時一些滑過腦際的想法變得敏感。

    譬如：我發(fā)現(xiàn)過去每次去干洗店掛完衣服回來都會變的暴躁異常。不知道為什么，每次我去干洗店晾衣服，當我掛衣服的時候，總是會讓許多關(guān)于我的生活，我的搭檔和我的生意的瑣屑討厭小事縈繞在我的腦海里，似乎已經(jīng)養(yǎng)成了習(xí)慣。由此可想而知，我理所當然地討厭去干洗店曬衣服。通過對自己的行為和想法的留意，我改變了這個習(xí)慣，而且現(xiàn)在努力去想一些積極的事情，我變得再也不討厭去干洗店曬衣服了。

    責任感和期望值是不快樂的類型中最多的兩種，這有點復(fù)雜，并且需要更深入的對自我動機和欲望的審視。

    西班牙語里面有兩種方式提問"為什么"---一是回頭看原因 （por qué）,一是向前看動機（para qué）.

    當我們問自己por qué時，我們回頭審視讓我們做出行為的因素。例如，在我開始自己的生意以前，我試圖融入白領(lǐng)生活，盡管那讓我很難過。后來通過問自己 por qué ,我醒悟過來，我這樣做是因為一個成年人的責任，工作并且掙生活費，無論你開心與否。

    當我問自己para qué 時--我這樣做是為了什么？我在追逐什么愿望？如果我不能回答這個問題，我就下決心放棄現(xiàn)在做的，轉(zhuǎn)為做自己夢想得到的。

    盡管企業(yè)家的生活有時是很艱難的，但我變得更快樂啦！

    我現(xiàn)在清醒地生活著，通過問自己為什么和為了什么，審視自己的行為，審視每天所做的決定和選擇，這些決定和選擇增加了我的快樂，而這快樂是百分之百發(fā)自內(nèi)心的，并不是依賴他人的。

    快樂小技巧

    結(jié)尾，讓我們來講一點資源。

    每個人都有自己喜歡的快樂小竅門，比如在客廳翩翩起舞，與朋友聚聚，或者抱著書蜷腿而坐。如果你需要一些確定有效的方式來讓自己更快樂，下面的書籍和網(wǎng)站將會對你有所幫助。

    我在此總結(jié)了四個最頂級的資源（無先后順序）:

    1.朱迪斯。西爾斯著《安慰的陷阱》

    2.丹尼爾。吉伯特著《遭遇幸�！�

    3.理查德。懷特曼著《59秒》

    4.格林琴。魯賓著《快樂工程》（書籍需要預(yù)定但是博客將提供大量的不錯的技巧）